An Introduction

Welcome To A Jackals Voice. The intention of this blog is to be an outlet for myself and others on topics that are not generally discussed...

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Hallucinations

Very early in my childhood I told my mother that there were shadow people inside our house. I noticed them particularly at night, but they were still around during the day. These people would walk around or just stand silently and were not something I was afraid of, but something that simply was there. I had brought it up with my mother one day to ask what they were. There have been a couple of different explanations from different people over the years, but the older I got the less comfortable I felt talking about them. I knew for a fact that these things existed, but to my knowledge, no-one I had met had ever seen them, and furthermore I didn't want to be labeled as a freak.

The Shadows themselves rarely interacted with me, and normally the only 'issue' was that they simply existed. I didn't mind when I was younger, once or twice I even tried to befriend these things. They can't speak, but I came to associate them with emotions, and that was how I thought they talked. However, there have been a couple of incidents that have not ended well, even as recently as last year. Every now and then I find one of these people that is angry or otherwise threatening. Some  run at me and grab for my face. Others simply turn towards me and I am reduced to tears out of fear. I can't explain it, but at some point I decided to stop trying to talk to them, and certainly not to focus on them, in the event I upset one of them.



Writing this, I feel strange. As I try to explain something that to me is so natural, I can't help but read it back to myself and think; 'Well surely you must've known they weren't real'. I did though, and a part of me still does. These shadows have been around my entire life. I'm used to them, to me they are completely normal. However, the reactions you get when telling others can range from total disbelief (Liar) to ridicule (Nutcase). It's not always bad, and I have the support of my parents and a few friends, but even then I feel like its a tricky subject.

At the time of this post I am 22 years old and the shadows are still around. It was only after a period of severe stress two years ago that I finally revisited the subject with my mother and subsequently went to see a Doctor. At first, I was immensely relieved to hear that they believed me, or rather, that they believed I thought these things were real. By this point, I'd grown so accustomed to just trying to ignore them that I never even tried to tell people anymore, but here I was, being told that yes they do exist (at least in my head). I was sent to a specialist who took my descriptions and beliefs and noted them down whilst nodding away. Once I'd finished, he began to speak about the course of actions to take and most importantly, what pills I'll be taking. The pills he told me, may or may not make the shadows disappear, that it didn't always work but it was an option for me. My response was; 'I don't want to take the pills. I can't make them go away because that would be cruel. Everything would be wrong'.
 Admittedly, this sounds ridiculous out of context. My reasoning was, and still remains, that these shadows have been with me for so long, that they are a part of my reality, and normally I have no problems with these visions. In fact, I have tried to explain this to several people by asking them to imagine a shopping center. Now imagine it empty, and tell me that it doesn't seem wrong. Another example would be imagine a room with all of your family and friends. Now imagine that 1/2 of them disappeared. To me, making these visions disappear is almost too alien for me to consider.

I do know that these hallucinations are not real, and I am aware that it is not 'normal' to see these things. However, I do not see the need to remove something from my life that is not causing me harm. Then again, I can also appreciate the argument that they harm might not be very clear. I am still trying to decide what to do.

Has anyone else felt this way about a condition? That it's not inherently bad and possibly even makes up a part of you? Send me an e-mail of leave a comment down below. If you would like to share your story on the blog for others to see send me an e-mail. Everything is anonymous as I know it can be difficult to talk about these things. Speak soon people.