An Introduction

Welcome To A Jackals Voice. The intention of this blog is to be an outlet for myself and others on topics that are not generally discussed...

Monday, 20 March 2017

What is 'Normal'?

Up until recently if I had been asked; 'What kind of person are you', I would probably have come up with a variety of characteristics that I thought applied. I used to think of myself as a happy person. Fun loving. A good friend and a hard worker. I loved to dance and sing. I was a social person in spite of my anxiety. To be honest most people never even knew I had anxiety. I had adopted a coping mechanism of Hiding in Plain Sight. 
That has all changed now. I'm still a happy person don't get me wrong, but I'm nothing compared to who I was. I can't sing or dance with people anymore because of the muscle spasms. Going out socially is hard because of the physical pain. I can't hide anymore, the physical symptoms of my condition have left me exposed. For a while this really bothered me. I felt like I couldn't be myself anymore. As time has moved on however, I've grown somewhat accustomed to it. I know what I can and can't do and I have accepted that this is how it is going to be for the time being. This is my new 'normal'.

The strange thing is now, if I have a day where my symptoms are reduced, I don't know what to do. I feel confused and scared. It is not that I'm unhappy for the respite, but I've grown so accustomed to this way of living that I feel weird. I feel weird because I feel normal.
This feeling is hard to describe. I'm not sure if its physical. My muscles feel strange and my stomach feels like its churning, but thinking in terms of how my muscles are in spasm and cramping most days, this would make sense. In my head I'm confused. Why am I feeling better? Why can I think straight? Have I been making it all up? I know that these questions are silly, but when you've been stuck a certain way for months it can be a little overwhelming.

The optimistic side of me is telling me to just 'go with it'. I should just enjoy this little break, take a day to relax a little. Talk to people without a stammer for a change. I know I should, but I can't help but be a little scared.
The more logical part of me, and also my more anxious side, is much more concerned. How long will it last? What if it comes back? What if it doesn't? Whilst it feels good to be able to talk and walk like I used too, part of me doesn't want to. Part of me is worried that if i do just go back to normal and then my symptoms come back that it'll hurt even more. Then there is the concern that they don't come back? Will it happen again?

Today has been a bit of a strange day. I'm happy that I get a break, but i can't help but worry about what it means. Does anyone else ever have days like this? day where you feel better for no logical reason? Feel free to send me a message or comment below.

Until next time,
A Jackals Voice

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