An Introduction

Welcome To A Jackals Voice. The intention of this blog is to be an outlet for myself and others on topics that are not generally discussed...

Sunday, 17 September 2017

Not where I thought I'd be at 23

Hello and welcome back to A Jackals Voice.
Today's post is very much a personal one. I have been thinking a lot recently about how things have turned out, and whilst I'm not upset about it, things have gone a little differently than planned. So, I'd like to talk about what I had planned, what I wanted to do and be. I also want to talk about whats changed, more importantly, what I want now. Indulge me if you will, if only for a little while.

Almost a year has passed since my panic attack and my subsequent condition first appeared. It's strange to think really; so much time has passed and yet I'm still without answers.
Before it all happened though, I lived to work. That's what I spent most of my time doing. Little odd jobs and the occasional early morning (if my boss could wake me) were what I loved to do, alongside my actual role as a bartender.
Don't get me wrong, I wanted to travel and go out, but I loved my Job. I was hoping that one day I'd get to run my own bar, that's how much I loved it. I think part of it was because when I was working, I was a different person. I was confident. I could talk to anyone, regardless of the situation. I enjoyed making people happy, so I tried to do that as much as I could.
In the long term, I was thinking of running a BnB (bed and breakfast). I thought it would be the perfect job. I get to be that confident person when guests arrived and left. I'd serve breakfast in the morning, clean rooms, sort my accounts (well attempt to, I hate paperwork), all whilst living in my own home. I thought it would be a great place to start a family. Money wouldn't be a problem, and I could hire staff in order to take holidays.
Truth be told, that was my dream. I wanted to be a Dad, and I wanted to have stories to tell my children. This goal has not really changed, but the road certainly looks a lot different now. Otherwise having my own business in the service industry, and living comfortably were my only concerns. It's possible I got a little too hooked on these ideas. In the months approaching my attack, I was stressing a lot about my job. I was stressing about the future and how to get there. I was stressed that I wouldn't have any stories to tell.

So what about now?
Well, my job is gone so that's a big change. I think I'd still like to own a business one day, but whether or not it would be in the service industry is debatable. My motor skills leave much to be desired, and given my own hoover (vacuum cleaner) sends me a bit loopy, cleaning rooms might become an issue. Still, I don't know how much better or worse my condition could get yet, so I've put that on the bench for the time being.
Travel is something I would really love to do. I'm slowly building up the courage to go on longer drives, given that cars can be an issue for me. I want to see the world. I want to go places that few people get to go to. I want to experience what the world has to offer. With careful saving and a bit of confidence I think I can still do this.
As to becoming a father and having a family, only time will tell. Depending on what my condition is and what causes it will play a role here, but for now that is a long time off. I'm happy as I am right now. Worst case scenario, I'm afraid all of you, my readers, will have to suffer my stories.
There are worse things than that, so I'd be happy.

So what now? Well I love writing, so that is what I'll do. I'm still working on my novels, which I will be sure to inform you about if they ever get finished. To be an actual autor would be an achievment I'd be proud of. Right now though, I just want to try and help Mental Health in all it's forms lose its stigma. I don't want people to feel alone or scared like so many do. For now that's my goal; 'to be a voice in the crowd'. The Blog is my way of doing this, though I've said before I'd like to stretch into other mediums. That's all to come though, and really, I'me pretty excited about it.

Thank you for indulging me. Whilst I never thought I'd be using a walking stick and shouting expletives at 23 (involuntarily anyway) it could be worse. This year has been tough, but I think it's unveiled the things that matter most to me, so really, it's not all bad.
A big thank you to all those that have been there for me during this time. To my readers for continuing to follow my ramblings, you're the best. Finally to those I've had the pleasure of working with either through Guest Blogging or websites like The Mighty, you've made it a little less lonely on here.

That's it for today.
This has been,
A Jackals Voice.

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