An Introduction

Welcome To A Jackals Voice. The intention of this blog is to be an outlet for myself and others on topics that are not generally discussed...

Friday, 27 October 2017

The Hope of a Madman

Hello and welcome to A Jackals voice.
Today's post is going to be a little different than the rest, you'll have to let me know how it goes.
Whilst I've shared a lot about myself and my condition, the effects it had on everyday life, it has all be rather impersonal. Today I would like to change that. I would like to share a little part of my own mind with you. I do this to honor of a friend, to thank another and hopefully help at least one person. So humor me if you will, as I detail the thoughts of a strange man.

A few days ago I received a package. It was very odd as I hadn't expected one and thus when my neighbor handed it to me (I'd overslept) I was a little confused. As it turned out, a university friend of mine, the one I wish to thank, had sent me a birthday present, though their timing was a little off.
Either way, I was very happy. We used to be old writing buddies. Fiction, both of us aspiring novelists, getting together to bounce ideas around. I loved it, and the package was everything I'd expect from that wonderful person. A card was included, along with a novelty moneybox that I immediately put on display, a book that we both enjoyed and finally a Notepad. A notepad with six words on the cover: Don't be Afraid to be great.
Thankyou Darling, it was the boost I needed.

You see, fear has been plaguing my mind for a long time. I'm not talking about my clinically diagnosed Anxiety, but real fear. Fear of rejection given my current condition. Fear of wasting away at home for my whole life. Fear of losing those I care for, for no logical reason. I got ill and my world changed overnight. I lost a lot of what I thought was important, but looking back, it's all so trivial now.
Probably the worst fear I have, and the one I'm most ashamed of is the fear of what would happen if it all went back. What if my mind just magically snapped back, and the old me returned. All those old stresses would be reborn, and I'd have to explain to everyone that I just got better. I'm still explaining to them that I suddenly got ill, so how do I explain that?
Of course, I'm 99% certain I'm not going to snap back. Medically speaking, regardless of what I am finally diagnosed with, the chances of me snapping back on none. However, as I'm sure you all know, 1% is enough to be afraid. It's the old What If?
In reality, that fear boils down to a fear of change. Sudden, uncontrollable change. It's the fear that tomorrow, everything could be different, and how do you cope. I've got first-hand experience of sudden uncontrolled change, and I don't fancy doing it again. I didn't cope, I didn't face my demons, I didn't run bravely into the fire. I hid in my little flat, waiting for it to stop. Waiting for it to be over and hoping I'll go back to normal. It didn't, and I'm still here, but I'm done hiding anymore.

The way I see it now is that change is always going to happen. All my life I've dragged my feet. I once cried and held onto my mother because I was having to go to a new school. All my classmates saw, but I was so scared. Eventually, I stopped, and I took my seat. I accepted the change. More recently though I've been thinking a little bigger, and I have this blog and the people I've met as a result for that. It's not that radical of an idea, but for a scared young man like me, it's not something that would have occurred to me twelve months ago.
Twelve months ago I was 'fine' and healthy. I had a job, a partner, a future. All that Jazz. Then it was gone. I cried a bit, couldn't help myself. My legs wouldn't function properly and I shouted the names of random items everytime I went shopping. It was embarrassing, and everyone could see me. My worst anxiety's come to life.
Physically, not much has changed, aside from my snazzy new walking stick and a slight improvement to speech. However, my mind has changed. I realized I couldn't hide anymore. Sure I could lock myself up in this flat and let the world pass by, but I want to go outside. I had so many plans to see the world, to meet new people and have stories to tell my children. However, those plans didn't have to change, merely, the way I would accomplish them would.
So what if my legs don't function properly, I'll just walk a bit slower. So what if my voice is odd and does strange things, I can still speak. The world is still out there and I still intend to see it. I have the time, not like anything is going to change overnight.

My point is that the world will change whether you like it or not. So don't sit around waiting, if you want it, go get it. I don't have much money, and I get tired fast, but that's what bus passes and benches are for.
So for those worried, I'll never do the things I wanted. Just watch, I'll do my best to make you proud.
For those who feel bad for me because I'm ill, don't. I'm freer now than I've ever been.
Finally, for those that are afraid, don't fall into the trap that I nearly did. There are many things to be afraid of, and living shouldn't be one of them.

As I draw my ramblings to a close I'd just like to say I don't think that I'm better than everyone else. I don't think I've come up with some new idea that'll shake the world. I don't have a gift, and I don't believe I'm taking advantage of anything unfairly.
Life will deal you your cards, and every now and then it'll give you a new set. You can cry about it (like I did) or you take those cards, however bad, and do whatever you want.

So there we are the Hope of a Madman. A truly personal piece, rather than a description of my life. I hope you like it, I don't want to come across as pretentious, but that's a fear I've had with every post, so I'm going to go on a little faith. I won't lie I'm sweating just writing this, still scared I guess. However, I really am bored of hiding.
So look out world, here I'm hobbling!

This has been,
A Jackals Voice.
Please share this on Facebook and Twitter as it helps me a lot, and leave a comment to let me know what you thought. Thankyou for taking the time to read this. 

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