An Introduction

Welcome To A Jackals Voice. The intention of this blog is to be an outlet for myself and others on topics that are not generally discussed...

Tuesday, 17 July 2018

Back in the Saddle

Welcome back to A Jackals Voice.
I've been away for quite some time I know, and I do have a reason, though not one I'm particularly proud of. Prior to that I'd like to talk about today's post. Today I would like to talk about thinking traps, how they effect us, and how we might be able to break loose. So without further a due, let the rambling commence.

First things first, my absence of almost half a year. Whilst I would love to tell you that after my diagnosis everything started to fall into place and thus I haven't been writing because I was busy... I cannot. The reason for my absence boils down to me sulking for the majority of that time.
Whilst my diagnosis was revealing and gave me something to tell people, it did little else. I was told at my diagnosis that I would have to reduce, and eventually stop, medication. I was told that I would be put on a waiting list that was normally a minimum of seven months. Finally I was told I may get better.
Since that appointment, I heard nothing until last month, when I received an incredibly enlightening letter that told me that I was actually on the waiting list, but there would be 'several' months before I heard anything more. I'm quoting directly there, I have been given no time frame to work off.
Also since that diagnosis, I've been reducing medication on a bi-weekly basis, and, whilst I do try to use a rather sophisticated vocabulary when I write, the only way to describe that experience so far is; It Sucks!
So there you have it, I've been moping around feeling sorry for myself and I genuinely didn't see any point in writing. Of course, the whole reason I started this blog was to talk about the parts of Mental Health that we don't talk about. Hypocrisy in action I suppose.


Enough of the pity party and on to the topic of thinking traps. I want to talk about this primarily because that's where I've been stuck, and I would imagine almost everyone, regardless of mental condition will experience at one time or another.
To start we must determine what a 'thinking trap' is. To me, it's a thought cycle that prevents you from leaving by convincing you that leaving isn't an option. In my case I was feeling very down about my situation and no longer wanted to write. I saw friends less and less and retreated into my own little safe, but incredibly dull and miserable bubble. The way out, was to do something, anything productive. I needed to get my 'mojo' back as it were. However, whenever I thought of writing, I saw no point. What was there to write about? What could I possibly create that would be of any use. Of course, the longer this went on, the worse it got.

Understanding the trap is the first step, getting out of it is entirely different.
I've spoken before on not letting others get you down. On standing up and carrying on despite what people say or think, and I fully endorse that. Then again, I have to concede, that when it's your own mind holding you down, it can be a really hard battle.
Honestly, I don't have much to give here. I've struggled with anxiety before and I pushed through. I've been low and I pushed through, but this time, I crashed. That hurt me, mostly due to pride. The less medication I've been taking, the worse my symptoms have got, and that doesn't help when you're already in a slump.
Now, I'd like to think that I'm past it, and on the road to recovery, at least in my own mind if not medically. I don't know this of course, but this is the best I've felt since my diagnosis. So what brought me back from that pit of self-contained misery?
Honestly, one sentence from a friend that hit me harder than all the sympathy and reassuring hugs I've had since then. I doubt they even thought much of it, but it lit a fire under me once more and here I am. They said: 'Find that motivation I know you have.'
I read those words in the early hours of this morning and my mind just clicked. What the hell was I doing? I hate sympathy and I hate not doing anything, so why the hell was I sat on my ass doing nothing about it? I couldn't provide myself an answer.

In summary, everyone struggles or will struggle at some point. Do I know how to get out of it? No. However, I think that in those darkest moments, when you really have no direction its important to have people around you that care. That remind you of who you are and what you're missing.
So to all those that have stood by me, I thank you. To my mother, who has pretty much become a carer for me, you could never know how much it means. Finally, I would like to address my own negative mindset, and tell it to shut the **** up.

Thank you for waiting for me during my absence, and I apologize for my less formal style of writing. I'm a bit rusty. Over to you! Have you experienced anything akin to a thinking trap? Did you manage to pull out, and if so what helped you?
Leave a comment below and be sure to visit my Facebook page and Twitter. It's time we got back on track.
Until next time, this have been,
A Jackals Voice.

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